Interested

President Uchtdorf offered the following words during the Priesthood Session of the April 2016 General Conference in his talk “In Praise of Those Who Save”:

“Now, just one word to those of our single brethren who follow the deception that they first have to find the “perfect woman” before they can enter into serious courting or marriage.

My beloved brethren, may I remind you, if there were a perfect woman, do you really think she would be that interested in you?”

Elder Robert D. Hales told us in the previous conference (October 2015), “None of us marry perfection; we marry potential. The right marriage is not only about what I want; it’s also about what she—who’s going to be my companion—wants and needs me to be.” (emphasis in original)

I hope we fully understand that there isn’t a “perfect woman” or “perfect man”, whatever that even means. We have seen the way the world and those around us view the “perfect” spouse. They want beauty with fully toned and/or muscled bodies, bronzed to perfection with fabulous hair and clothing style to match. They want talents, be they artistic, linguistic, musical, technological, or any other intellectual gifts. They want money or fame. Maybe it’s the guy that remembers all of the important details and dates and notices changes in hair length or color no matter how subtle. Maybe it’s the girl that will tolerate or even join in sports, hunting, or video games. It’s the person who can cook delicious food. Whatever it is, people dream up this amazing person with all of these amazing attributes and then are disappointed by the people they see around them. “She/he’s not perfect enough for me to date/marry.”

Some may have crossed that line and strive only for perfection. Some may have been “picky”, as others say, but when it comes to something so significant and long-lasting (like, shall we say, eternity), can’t one afford to be picky? We’ve all seen several “perfect matches” end up in a break-up or, worse yet, divorce. I believe we all want to get it right, preferably the first time.

I’m fully aware that I’m not looking for perfection. I’ll also be the first to admit, that as confident as I may seem sometimes, that I’m not perfect either. I have plenty of shortcomings in so many of those attributes deemed “perfect”. However, the way President Uchtdorf said it, he made me realize that I do have a goal and there could be a “perfect” spouse out there. I don’t want to disagree with a prophet, but I think his words can have a different meaning. Where I can I’ll use the words of prophets and apostles to back them up just to show that I can’t be that far off.

“If there were a perfect woman, do you really think she would be that interested in you?” One word really stuck out to me. Not “perfect”. I already know I’m not looking for some unattainable perfection, and I explained that. “Interested.” More specifically, “interested in [me]”.

I believe President Uchtdorf's question answers itself. What if the perfect woman is the one that is interested in me? What if she is “perfect” because she is interested?  For someone to be truly interested in us is really what we all hope and ask. Let me explain with several levels of interest that I feel would make an ideal relationship. I believe I have seen this (or the lack thereof) in many of the marriages that I would call successful (or not so successful).

1. First, I’m not going to deny that physical attraction is a big part, especially at the start. People have their likes and dislikes, and that’s what “gets things started.” I don’t think I need to explain. You think someone is cute, you talk to them, and things might get going. Whether or not they get going and stay going depends on the other levels of interest forthcoming, but it often starts because you found someone physically attractive. We have these feelings for a reason. We were designed and commanded to multiply and replenish the earth, and attraction plays a big role in that.

Maybe some people can get beyond that. They can look beyond physical preferences and see someone for who they are inside. Sometimes you can start out as just friends, not really seeing them as attractive, but then eventually you do. Who knows? 

In the end, how long will physical attraction last? Beauty is usually only skin deep and fades pretty fast in most cases. Some may even let their appearance slide when they get comfortable in a relationship. Makeup and hair products take a lower priority. Give a marriage a few years and you’ll both probably put on several pounds with good food and a few missed workouts. Several more years down the road and you both have wrinkles and gray hairs. Is that when you decide to call it quits? Some people can’t even go that long before they get bored, find someone “more attractive”, and are unfaithful in the relationship they already have.

This should be kept in mind when looking for someone. Physical beauty isn’t a bad quality. Just don’t try to start a relationship with someone because you are interested only in their body. Look beyond skin deep. Someone who is truly interested is interested in so much more than physical appearance. Someone who is truly interesting is so much more than their physical appearance.

Several people of both genders in the Bible were described as beautiful or having beauty. What truly makes them special was more than their physical attractiveness. Read up on Rachel, Esther, and Saul, but also realize that “beauty is vain” (Proverbs 31:30). More from that last verse later.

2. Remember in the little scenario I started earlier? We thought he or she was cute, so we decided to talk to him or her? Well, what did you talk about? Interests.

Okay. That sounds redundant. An interest about interests. But you asked questions and gave answers about what you like and don’t like. Hopefully, before things begin to progress too far you find out you have a good deal in common. There’s no point in pursuing a relationship with someone if you don’t have anything in common. These commonalities make an easy relationship. Of course, you can show interest in that type of person. These are the things that you enjoy doing on dates and in your time together. These interests are good!

However, there are going to be some things that you don’t have in common. You might not like exactly the same foods, music, sports, television shows, and so on. You have a lot in common to make things work, but there are a few things that just don’t quite match.

Here’s where someone who really cares and is interested comes in: they want to have it in common. It may never become their favorite. Sometimes they’ll barely tolerate it, and others they might have to just let you do whatever it is on your own. (It is okay to have some things that you do on your own. Even in the most loving of relationships, couples need some time away from each other.) The “perfect” person will show interest in your interests and support you in them, even if he or she doesn’t like them the same way you do.

President Uchtdorf told us in that same session, that same talk, “… astonish your wife by doing things that make her happy.” It works both ways. Couples should be less prideful and selfish and look to making their partner happy. We’ve been counseled that we can find our own happiness when we focus on the happiness of others.

President Thomas S. Monson has said: “To find real happiness, we must seek for it in a focus outside ourselves. No one has learned the meaning of living until he has surrendered his ego to the service of his fellow man. Service to others is akin to duty—the fulfillment of which brings true joy.”

Along the same lines of interests are goals, dreams, and ideas. What do you want to do in life? What kind of career are you going to have that will support a family? How will the family handle rules and discipline? Where is this going to take place? What kind of role will the in-laws have? I’m sure there are other big questions I’m missing. A couple will need to support each other in a lot of things. These are certainly big things, and they have to align. Interest has to be there to make the relationship work.

It can’t be one-sided. There may have to be compromises. These are topics that should come up at some time in dating. A lot of these things may even change over time. Not everyone keeps the same career or lives in the same location for their entire life. If you’re already talking about these things before marriage, then when things come up you can talk about them civilly and come to a solution that benefits the entire family.

3. It’s important to be interested in someone, what they do and want. It is just as important to be interested about them, to really care about and for them.

It can start with simple things: caring about how they are doing in their work or school; making sure they arrive safely at home after a night out; asking how their day went. These small things can lead to being interested about someone’s well-being in bigger and more challenging ways.

Life is rough, no doubt about it. There are so many things that can go wrong and much of it isn’t anyone’s fault. What happens then? Will illness and disease divide you? Will the loss of job and living in less prosperous times put a strain on your relationship? Will a battle with depression or anxiety or other mental illness be what separates you? What about spiritual struggles like accepting a difficult concept of Church doctrine?

We all have our ups and downs. It’s easy to be there for someone while things are good. We congratulate people on big accomplishments and praise them for good work. Musical performances, sports events, graduations, new jobs, marriage, births. All of these are easy to congratulate and support for the most part. What about along the way, through all of the hard work it took to get there? What about when things aren’t going so well? Will this person still be there at your side?

This must include all aspects of life. Physical, mental, social, and spiritual health are all important to the well-being of a person. As a spouse, is this person going to be supportive in everything, even in the midst of trials?

Elder Russel M Nelson said, “Each marriage starts with two built-in handicaps. It involves two imperfect people. Happiness can come to them only through their earnest effort. Just as harmony comes from an orchestra only when its members make a concerted effort, so harmony in marriage also requires a concerted effort. That effort will succeed if each partner will minimize personal demands and maximize actions of loving selflessness.”

As President Hinckley once said, “… a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion.”

Being accepting of this support is important, too. It takes both working in harmony to help the other be at their best. Neither person should have to feel like they must do it all alone. You must be willing to lower your pride and accept whatever help is available from your partner and not push them away. As you work through challenges together, love and trust will grow. Trying to do it alone will weaken the bonds you have built and may even increase insecurities that will destroy your relationship.

4. This interest will be short. Your spouse should be your primary interest.

President Spencer W. Kimball, referring to Doctrine and Covenants 42:22 (“Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else”), said that “the words ‘none else’ eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.”

That sounds quite clear. Don’t let other interests take over what should be the primary interest: your spouse. Loyalty is the key, and it can and should begin while dating.

5. Well, here’s the caveat. Our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, should be the two most important people in our lives. That can even trump marriage, but only slightly. When God is at the forefront of your life, your marriage will work out. You will develop Christ-like attributes that will make you a better person, a better spouse. Faith, hope, charity, love, virtue, knowledge, patience, humility, diligence, and obedience all have a place in marriage and family life, as much as they did on the mission.

As we develop ourselves spiritually, we can grow closer to each other and to our ultimate goal of having an eternal marriage. We can follow the counsel of the prophets and apostles to “seek a companion who is worthy to go to the temple to be sealed to you for time and all eternity. Marrying in the temple and creating an eternal family are essential in God’s plan of happiness.”

As we pray and fast with real intent, study the scriptures, participate in Sabbath and temple worship, and serve others, we will become more like Jesus Christ. We will be more loving and caring, more concerned about the spiritual and temporal wellbeing of our spouses just as the Savior was for those around Him. Our interest in being perfect even as They are perfect (3 Nephi 12:48) will translate into being perfect for the one we love. If both partners in a relationship are interested in reaching their divine potential together, they will be interested in each other.

Remember “beauty is vain?” Well the second half of that verse says, “but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.” It works for both genders. If someone is working towards what the Lord wants for him or her, a good relationship can definitely be a part of that.

In conclusion, I will give a couple of quotes from President Kimball’s address, “Oneness in Marriage”, given at Brigham Young University. The whole talk is great and worthy of several readings.

“‘Soul mates’ are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.”

“There must be the proper approach toward marriage, which contemplates the selection of a spouse who reaches as nearly as possible the pinnacle of perfection in all the matters which are of importance to the individuals.”

I know that I’m not looking for perfection and you probably aren’t either. Maybe you're already married and your spouse isn't exactly "perfect." As President Kimball said, “any good man and any good woman” would probably work out. But I would like a relationship that’s perfect for me with someone that is striving to be perfect for me. In the meantime, I will focus on the counsel of Elder Robert D Hales and urge you to do the same while you seek your eternal companion. “If you want to marry a wholesome, attractive, honest, happy, hardworking, spiritual person, be that kind of person.”

Finally, I finish by giving you the paragraph that follows what I quoted in the beginning from President Uchtdorf. 

“In God’s plan of happiness, we are not so much looking for someone perfect but for a person with whom, throughout a lifetime, we can join efforts to create a loving, lasting, and more perfect relationship. That is the goal.”

No, we aren’t perfect. None of us will be in this life. But why should that stop us from trying to find something that approaches perfection for us individually, especially when the consequences are so eternally significant? We probably won’t find our soulmate right away or even ever, but over time, the person we choose and love can become our soulmate. Selecting an eternal companion is such an important decision that it almost demands a perfect choice. It does demand the hard work to make it a perfect relationship.

Here are just a few more details into what my thought processes were, specifically for me. Above, the way I described them was intended to be generalized for anyone. This is a little more of what I think I want. This is what I feel comfortable telling people who I feel would have my interests in mind, helping me to find someone. I don’t always have faith that someone setting me up on a date (blind or otherwise) will work, but maybe it might.

1.     Yes, I would say that I want to be physically attracted to my future wife. I would want her to feel the same. I would hope that even if we’re not prime physical specimens, that at least we’re both taking good care of our bodies, staying active and eating right (most or some of the time). But physical attraction can only get you so far. Also, I don’t have any specifics like hair color or what have you, but that doesn’t mean that just because you think she’s pretty that I will too.

2.     I’m a very diverse person. I have many, many different interests. Sports, music, science, reading, movies, games, food, languages, art, and on and on. (Of course church is a major interest, too, but more on that later.) I don’t expect my future wife to be into all of them. I’m not looking for someone that likes exactly everything that I do, but that might be nice. It may be awkward to find someone exactly like you, too. Half is probably good. The rest of my interests are okay to be just mine. But there should still be support. Even if she’s not going to pay attention, hopefully, she’d still watch a movie I like or go to a ballgame. I will do the same to be there with her for whatever she likes. There are still some things that I won’t like, but I would be willing to give them a try, especially if it’s something that makes her happy.

My chosen career path typically can work anywhere. It should also be plenty on which to live so that my wife could do almost anything she wants, a homemaker or working mom, either way. There will be plenty of things we’ll have to talk about when it comes to raising a family, but that will all come in time.

3.     I have seen marriages and relationships fail because things got hard. Just like a future spouse isn’t going to be perfect, life isn’t going to be perfect either. I don’t know how my career will go. I don’t know what trials will plague me. I’ve had my struggles in the past and have worked through them mostly alone. Having someone there beside me through it all will hopefully be better. This is where true love really shines through. I want someone who is interested in my wellbeing and cares about me. Someone who asks if I made it safely to my destination, who wants to know how my day went, who worries about me. I’m willing to reciprocate.

4.     Not much more to say, really. So long as we’re both devoted to each other, it will work out.

5.     This one is probably the most important of the 5 “interests” in my list. Spiritual maturity will spill into all of the other interests. In church, it’s easy to notice the cute girls. You can also notice which ones have musical talents, learned a new language, or that simply served an honorable mission. Those are all awesome things to look for, each showing something special that separates her from the average church goer. She doesn’t have to be a returned missionary, but those tend to be more mature than the ones who are leaving home for the first time. They also have a lot of spiritual growth, but sisters that haven’t served on a mission can be just as dedicated to following the prophets, keeping the commandments, and being truly converted to the Gospel. She doesn’t have to know another language, but it does show that she is intelligent and cares about people. Again, not absolutely necessary. A great singing voice and/or talent with an instrument usually accompany a dedicated woman who knows the power and spirit of hymns and other uplifting music. But that doesn’t mean the sister who only knows the melody doesn’t appreciate the song of the heart.

The things that peeve me at church are the girls that are texting and playing on phones during church meetings, giggling and whispering about frivolous things, and otherwise not truly participating in church. They may have received their attendance points, but that’s the end of their benefits.

It’s a totally different thing to notice a girl who actually pays attention to the talks and lessons (or maybe goes a step further and is taking notes); one that voluntarily sits by someone they don’t know, shares a hymnal, or says a sincere prayer; one who offers clear and concise comments that relate well to the lesson and uplift those who are paying attention; one who can present a talk or bear her testimony in an appropriate manner. There are many spiritual talents that a woman can exhibit to show that she is interested in following Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Hopefully, she isn’t just showing them to show them or to be impressive, but is truly converted and seeks to be righteous for righteousness’ sake.